Your Teen Isn't Broken—They're Becoming

Your Teen Isn't Broken—They're Becoming

Let’s just say it: parenting a teenager is like trying to hug a porcupine. You want closeness. They want independence. You offer dinner. They ghost you and eat chips in their room. Welcome to the wild, humbling, emotional jungle that is raising teens.

As difficult as the days can be, teens are wonderful and can be one of the best parenting seasons when we have the right knowledge, tools and patience… and when we can leave our own ego behind. Here’s the thing—your role isn’t to control their every move or make sure they never trip. It’s to be the soft place they land when the world feels too sharp. That’s it. And that’s a lot.

You're the Safe Harbor (Even When They're Slamming Doors)

If your teen is acting out, chances are they’re not trying to be difficult just for the sport of it. They’re trying to say something with their behaviour—usually something like, “I feel overwhelmed and I don’t know what the hell to do with all these feelings,” but it comes out more like, “I hate dinner and this house is stupid.”

So what do we do when they lie, embellish, sneak or fabricate? When they refuse to eat dinner but sneak a snack into their room instead? Or protest the family gathering, but beg to go out with friends later that night? How about when they ‘borrow’ something indefinitely and then lie about where it is?

Instead of focusing on the dishonesty (“I totally ate dinner first”), try focusing on the relationship first.

Try this:
Teen: “I already ate the oatmeal.”
You: “Cool, should I pop the rest in the fridge for later, or did you already?”
And then walk away. No lectures. No investigator hat. Just trust.

When they know they're not being watched like a hawk or managed like a toddler, they actually start telling the truth more often. Wild, I know.

You're Not a Cruise Director

You don’t have to organize perfect family bonding time. You don’t have to ensure your teen is fed, fulfilled, and friendly at all times. You do have to stock the fridge, show up emotionally, and build a life outside of them so they know they’re not your entire world and can start to live their own life, without too many barriers. odel what a fulfilling, independent life looks like! No pressure, but when kids feel like they’re the centre of your emotional solar system, it can feel suffocating. And suffocated teens rebel like it’s their full-time job.

So, redefine your job description:

• Avoid: “Make sure she eats breakfast.”
  ✅ Instead: Have oatmeal available if she wants it.

• Avoid: “Make her do her homework.”
  ✅ Instead: Support her with structure and space to figure it out.

• Avoid: “Planning movie nights so we feel close.”
  ✅ Instead: Be open to when she wants connection—and act totally okay when she doesn’t (even if you’re not).

We cannot control how others want to interact with us, but we can accidentally push them away with coercion, shame and being overbering. So please—go have your own fun. Take a class. Go dancing. Reconnect with friends. Show your teen what adulting can look like when you’re emotionally independent and still invested.

Eyes on the Long Game

Here’s a little exercise I love: Picture your teen at 25 years. What kind of person do you hope they’ve become? Most people say things like kind, resilient, empathetic, confident, independent.

Now flip that around—are you modeling those things right now? When they mess up, are you responding with empathy or exasperation? When they lie, are you showing curiosity or cracking down harder?

They learn emotional intelligence the same way they learned language: by watching you.

Want them to be kind? Be kind when they’re at their worst.
Want them to be honest? Make honesty safe, not punished.
Want them to feel secure? Tell them why you love them—even when they’re testing your last nerve.

Let your words do the heavy lifting:

• “I love who you are, and who you're becoming.”

• “I’m proud of how you handled that.”

• “You don’t have to be perfect. I’m here no matter what.”

• “I love being your parent. Even when it’s hard.”

These little phrases are like deposits in your relationship bank account. And relationship expert Dr Gottman’s research has found that for every negative withdrawl, relationships need 5 positive deposits just to keep a balance. And let’s be real—if your teen is melting down five times a day, you’re gonna need a lot of deposits.

Quick math: 5 rough moments a day = at least 25 warm, encouraging, non-controlling interactions just to break even. That’s not failure—that’s just the math of raising an emotionally complex human.

Shifting Parenting Goals (and a Few Books That Don’t Suck)

Look, parenting teens is not for the faint of heart. Therapy helps. Talking it out helps. And if you’re into reading, these might just shift how you see things:

• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn – for letting go of the power struggle.

• Hold On to Your Kids by Gabor Maté & Gordon Neufeld – for strengthening connection.

• Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel – only if you're ready to look inward a bit (or a lot).

At the end of the day, the goal isn't a perfectly-behaved teen—it’s a connected, self-aware young adult who wants to come home once they have flown the nest... and maybe even eats your dinner.