When Sleep Training Feels... Off
So the sleep thing isn’t going great?
You’re not alone. Whether you’ve got a baby who thinks 2 AM is party time, or you’re feeling pressure to “train” your baby to sleep a certain way—you’re probably getting a lot of opinions, half of them from strangers on the internet. And honestly? That can be a lot.
If traditional sleep training methods (like cry-it-out, “bad habit” talk, or strict schedules that make your chest tighten just reading them) don’t sit right with you, take a breath. You’re not broken. You’re just a parent who wants to respond to their baby and get some sleep. And yes—you can absolutely have both.
Not Your Average Sleep Support
Let’s clear something up real quick: “sleep training” has kind of become the default in baby-land. People talk about it like it’s a rite of passage—like starting solids or baby’s first blowout. But not every baby needs to be “trained” to sleep. And not every parent wants to go that route.
There is another way. A way that doesn’t ignore your instincts or your baby’s need for connection. A way that works with your values instead of steamrolling them. That’s where attachment-focused, baby-centered sleep support comes in.
So What Is This Approach?
It’s not about “fixing” your baby or forcing them to sleep through the night by any means necessary. It’s about understanding what’s actually going on:
Is the sleep space set up for success?
Are developmental changes messing with sleep patterns?
Are your expectations realistic—or are they coming from Instagram sleep memes?
Is your baby needing comfort, connection, or just a snack?
Look at the big picture: sleep environment, feeding, mental health, nervous systems (yep, yours too), and how your baby’s brain is wired for closeness. Build a plan that helps you get more rest—without ignoring anyone’s needs or instincts. Sort out what is truly wrong - is baby actually getting too little sleep? If they are acting rested, and developmentally appropriate, they are. In almost 20 years I cannot think of ONE child in my care that was getting such little sleep that they were at risk of the sleep industry’s scary tactics like suggesting they could have developmental delays if they dont get 17.2 hours of sleep every night. Au contraire! babies needs are wild and can rnge from 10-20 hours a day. And better news? It doesnt have to be consolidated sleep to be resorative sleep. And it doesn’t have to be alone!! Contact sleep is the most restorative there is.
The Truth About Crying-It-Out
Yes, it’s common. No, it’s not the only way.
Research (and real-world experience) shows that sleep training methods that involve ignoring baby’s cries don’t necessarily lead to better sleep—just quieter babies. And quiet doesn’t always mean okay. Babies are born expecting us to show up when they need us. That’s how attachment works. It’s not a flaw—it’s biology.
If letting your baby cry alone feels wrong in your gut, that’s valid. You’re allowed to trust that feeling.
Training babies it’s really just for us as parents - you may be able to avoid nighttime parenting as trained babies wake just as often but may no longer call out for support, however if distress-based baby training isn’t your style, we can certainly find other ways to get mom more sleep without expecting the baby to be more skilled in shifting nighttime attachment needs than the adults in the relationship do!
What You Can Expect from the Right Support
✔️ A sleep plan that respects your baby’s developmental needs
✔️ A flexible, responsive approach that works for real-life (and real babies)
✔️ Strategies that support sleep in the long term without forcing it in the short term
✔️ A whole lot of validation, because this stuff is hard
✔️ Support that helps your whole family feel calmer, not more stressed
You won’t hear things like “you’ve created a bad habit” or “they’re manipulating you.”
You will hear things like “your baby’s needs are valid,” and “it’s OK if it takes longer than 3 days”
This Approach Might Be For You If…
If you’re feeling pressure to sleep train, but your heart says no thanks. You want sleep support that won’t leave you crying in the hallway. You’re exhausted but not willing to disconnect from your baby to fix it. You believe in tuning in to your baby, not tuning them out. And, you want a nighttime parenting plan that feels like a hug, not a boot camp.
For now, solve your needs first.
“I need my baby to ___________ because I need ___________” is your starting point.
“I need my baby to sleep through the night because I need more sleep myself to be less exhausted”
“I need my baby to nap independently because I need time to exercise during the day”
“I need my baby to go to bed earlier because I need more time with my husband”
If we can get to the need itself, it is rarely that we are concernd with our baby’s health and wellness. They don need to sleep through, nap independantly, or go to bed an an oddly early hour - tey’re fine and healthy without any of those things. Those are social constructs, and we have cave babies expecting to be close and snuggle up for safety.
These are adult needs - exhaustion, time to exercise, time with husband. How can you solve these problems first?
Exhaustion: Can you nap through the day when baby naps to get more sleep? Can you go to bed at 8pm when baby does, and enjoy the first (usually longest) stretch of sleep they will give in a day? Can you hire a teenager to come over after school for an hour each day to take baby for a walk, so YOU can take an afternoon nap?
Exercise: Is it possible to join a baby + me yoga class? Or to make one solid daytime nap a stroller nap ,where you go on hikes and trails and walk uphill for an hour? Can you work out in the morning before a partner leaves? Use your baby as free weights??
Relationship needs: Don’t underestimate the power of the quickie in times like this! Or a mushy gushy note tucked in his briefcase. Or for breastfeeding parents - hiring a babysitter to come to the restaurant with you, sitting at the other end of the dining room with your baby, while you are on a date? How about a lunch date, while babe is napping? Or better yet, hw about shifting your mindset from us to all of us, and accepting that family dates are a thing and this is just a season in your relationship that simply looks and acts different for a little while.
So solve the problem by addressing YOUR because… meet your own needs. Your baby’s needs are harder to change than your own (…cause they’re just a baby) and let’s be honest… are we really expecting a baby to change their biological needs because they re inconvenient, if we cant even try to change our own adult needs first? we have a lovely prefrontal cortex capable of this, and your babe wont have access to that for many years! Shifting focus might be less stressful, take less energy, and be very fulflling!
The Bottom Line:
There’s no one “right” way to do sleep. But there is a way that can work better for your family—without guilt, without tears (from either of you), and without giving up your values to get a little rest. If you’re curious, find an attachment-focused sleep educator to help you explore a gentler, more connected way forward.
Because babies don’t need to be trained. They need to be understood. And so do you.
Ready to ditch the pressure and do sleep your way?
Let’s talk.
xoxo Ashley